Hettie (hettie_lz) wrote,

Для чикагцев

Это почти не в тему никуда, но очередное "не могла удержаться"

Статья из Трибуны: "Уехал - и хорошо!"

Текст статьи

Hey guy who moved to Chicago from San Francisco in January 2014, sorry things didn't work out for you here. But those of us who love our city aren't sorry to see you go.

The last thing we need is someone who only wants to sit around and complain about our imperfections. We prefer people who come here with realistic expectations about what our city can offer, not a jerk who expects Chicago to miraculously transform him into a considerate and caring human being.

Good luck, if you think New York can do it for you.

We learned of your departure in a column you recently wrote for the Huffington Post. I'm sorry that we bombarded you with so many hateful tweets that you apparently deleted your Twitter account. That wasn't very kind of us.

You must have realized after living here for three years that we don't take criticism well. Chicago is the jewel of the Midwest, and we expect it to be treated that way.

So you say you've put on some pounds living here. Who hasn't?

That's to be expected in the city with the best pizza in America. New York style pizza doesn't come close to our deep-dish treasure, no matter what Jon Stewart says. We still haven't forgiven the comedian for that rant five years ago where he described our pizza as an "above-ground marinara swimming pool for rats" and compared eating it to having "sex with a corpse made of sandpaper."

And the hamburgers made with corn chips, where'd you find those? I'd like to try them.

Don't get me wrong. We care greatly about the problem of obesity. That's why Cook County officials claim they instituted that penny per ounce soda tax — to force Chicagoans to cut back on the 530 million liters of sugary drinks we consume every year.

Let's discuss the other ways your body has felt ravaged by this city. I don't know which is worse — the time you broke your jaw and lost 2 1/2 teeth, the time you glided off your bike down the S-curve's black ice, immersed in the waves of Lake Michigan or the time the driver of a Jeep gunned it out of a stop sign on Milwaukee and T-boned you into the air. (I'm using your words here.)

Why we stay: Notable Chicagoans talk about why they call city home
Thank goodness you're still alive. Perhaps you should have tried riding on our magnificent 18.5-mile lakefront bike trail. According to the city's website, Chicago has a "national reputation as one of the best large cities in the United States for bicycling."

In case you didn't know it, the website points out that Chicago achieved this goal by "investing in bicycling infrastructure and promoting education, awareness and advocacy." We did this for your convenience — and continue to do so — even though we can't afford it.

We're spending $60 million right now on a 16-foot wide flyover near Navy Pier so you won't have to wait at a traffic light. We're not stopping there. We're talking about shifting the North Avenue and Oak Street beaches and getting rid of that silly S-curve altogether. This would cost billions and we have no idea how we'd pay for it, but it's on the drawing board.

We're spending tons of money on these kinds of things to keep people like you from leaving our city. And it's not working. Talk about ungrateful.

It's 14 degrees out, you say, and you can feel the inside of your nose freeze. (Your words again.) Your comfort is one less thing we have to worry about this year.

We have some bigger issues that a heavy coat and snow boots won't solve.

In the last three odd years, you say, your "spirit has come to feel beaten, defeated." We can relate to that, but not necessarily for the same reasons. Since 2014, we had more than 2,100 homicides in Chicago. More people are dying every day and we have no idea how to stop it. Neither do our police. And neither does our mayor.

A crumbling, dangerous South Side creates exodus of black Chicagoans
You lived on the North Side and you couldn't walk to a grocery store? What a pity. Just be glad you didn't reside in the real food deserts on the South or West sides, where many people are forced to shop at poorly stocked mom and pop stores on the corner.

Thanks, though, for giving us props for having the best improv in the country and for being a family-oriented city. You didn't mention it, but we also have a nice skyline, park and river, just like New York.

That snarky line about the incompetence of our politicians: We'll let their actions speak for them.

Now, let's move on to the thing about Chicago that gave you the most trouble — dating. The problem wasn't Chicago, my friend. It was you. You're a jerk.

That young woman in the bar who made a "peace sign" in your face as she turned away was smart enough to pick up on it immediately. Allow me to explain, "Ask Amy," style.

You walked up to her and her friend with a beer in your hand and expected them to drop their conversation and focus on you. You didn't offer to buy them a drink — obviously you were bummed over the $7 Lagunitas — you just started talking about yourself.

When the smart one interrupted her friend who was attempting to indulge you in an act of kindness, or more likely pity, you showed them who you really are when you eventually cursed at them.

You say this approach would have worked in San Francisco. Somehow, I doubt it, unless you were at a brothel.

The good thing is that you came to this important realization. "There's a difference between being comfortable and being happy, and right now, I am not happy. And I can't think of a bigger risk than not making the necessary changes to pursue that happiness."

Chicagoans are the first to admit that our city isn't perfect. Even if it were, I doubt you could be happy here, or anywhere.

In New York, you might be able to walk to a bar in your neighborhood, but the price of a Lagunitas beer could easily be $14 instead of $7.

Tags: chicago, media

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